The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
