the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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