I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
God, I missed his penis.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
