I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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