i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Randomize