I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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