someone threw a dead crab at me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
