I'm gonna have a badass scar
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Of course I have a pirate flag
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
