i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
