My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
