I love having hate sex.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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