You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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