He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
