after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize