he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize