A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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