I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
