Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
