Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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