dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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