You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
