Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
