just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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