He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
