Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
40s are totally the cure
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
