I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
