Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
