She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize