i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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