the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
