If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
