I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
