nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
