Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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