Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
