he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize