im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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