My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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