you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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