I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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