So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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