just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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