i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
