Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My bed smells like the plague
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize