She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
