my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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