Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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