As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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