i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
