i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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