Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
