Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
