I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
