Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
