Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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