for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
