News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
