The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
