Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
