Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My balls are so social today.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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