I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
