I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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