"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
